nancy grace... poop and Jesus...

nancy grace is spewing her craziness at me... and i'm not sure why i have tuned in to her... i've been talking in the Etsy chatrooms about various things... such as ... did Jesus poop...

uhhhh... i hope so... otherwise he would have been really grouchy... i know i can't go more than just a day or two before i turn into a grouch if i don't have the kind of poop that makes you want to run around the block... you know those kind... those poops that make you want to squeal with joy when your done and you feel so fantastic you could take a run around the block real quick like...

i didn't go to church today... i've been so drugged up on these painkillers that the doctor gave me for the fibro pain that i didn't feel up to going... i should have called in sick...

things i've learned about myself today... ten things... here we go

1) i don't like it when people leave cabinet doors open... it makes me crazy
2) too many beans in chili gives me gas... really really bad gas
3) people think i'm funny... it always amuses me when people say that... cause... i just say what goes through my head... simmy always said... my thoughts were funny...
4) i can eat an entire pecan pie in five days
5) the scrubbier the soap the more i like it...
6) i am really bad at paperwork... but really good at dreaming
7) when running on grass in your unders... you should wear good shoes... with good tread
8) if i slow down... i can sew straight seams
9) i remembered my love of mary engelbrite... and i probably spelled her name wrong
10) Dad still loves me... even when i play hookey from church

i told stories of John Thomas and i tonight... and he should be here in just a week to visit... i miss him so much... and i can't wait to watch trashy tv with him...

as far as my felt is going... i can't seem to make it fast enough... but i haven't had time to paint... and i'm starting to miss painting... i need more hours in the day... i have too many ideas .... to get out and not enough time to do them....

I Am Thankful...

I am blessed...

ten things i am thankful for

1) my family

2) my friends

3) my apartment

4) groceries and gas

5) my dog and my cat

6) the little things that make my life comfortable

7) satalite tv

8) freedom

9) my car

10) my future

the photo is an old 1920's macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon

Self Examination...

i've just spent that last two hours in my room crying... praying... and otherwise examing myself... i got up once to come take pictures of my bloated swollen eyes... a record of what i look like when my heart is torn...

nothing different has brought me to this place of tears... things are pretty much the same... if not better... and yet i feel like i have growing pains... i'm tearing away at what i thought i knew about myself and as each layer falls away... it hurts with an intensity that i didn't expect...

i dreamed lastnight of etsy... of creating alice in wonderland plush dolls... and i half wonder if i was dreaming or if the creativity was just in a suspended state of animation... if only i had written these things down...

i'm overwhelmed right now with the intake of information that i'm getting about myself... not from other people but simply from myself... it hurts so badly to not know who i am at this age... and to know that i am not sure if i've ever had the balls to say what i really want in life... to know what i really want in life for fear that i won't recieve it... so here we go... another blessed list... and this time i am serious... completely and utterly fearful in writing these ten things... for fear that they will never be seen in the natural...

1) a husband who loves me and cherishes me... and brags on me
2) a daughter... i want a daughter so bad i feel like i'm mourning for a child i never knew
3) an old house to live in... a cottage... electic... where my art will fit in
4) a relationship so close to God that i don't have to wonder if it was His voice i was hearing...
5) a homebased business of my art... one that i can have freedom in
6) family where simmy's side... and my side get together for holidays... all of us... as one big family
7) i want enough money that i can give to people who are in my situation right now...
8) a clear understanding of WHO i am... what i like... what i don't like... and why i am this wa
9) i want wisdom and discernment in all things
10) i want everything that has been taken from me... emotionally... physically... spiritually... restored to me ten fold....

these are things i know i want in life... these are the things that no matter what i do... the desire for them keep coming back up time and time again...

will the real ophelia please stand up?

she is the real brains behind the operation... she sits beside me most of the time that i work... and somehow she has removed the f3 key from my laptop... in fact... i'm fighting with her right now because she's making biscuts on my chest and i can't see around her to type...

i haven't created anything today... i slept late and then got up and worked at cleaning the house... but i didn't really make much of a dent in anything... i dyed a sweater that i have been wanting to dye for a long while... so i guess i accomplished something... i only had one client today... and then i fought the crowds at walmart so i could buy a new pair of kneesocks to make some arm warmers out of...

i've been feeling very odd the last few days... i'm enjoying the freedom of being on my own so much that i almost in a very small way... don't want things to change... and yet at the same time i want very much for my husband to be back in my life on a daily basis... it grieves me that i don't want to spend time with him right now... but i guess i should just be reveling in it for the time being...

i want to redecorate the apartment... or at the very least... organize my studio... i have to do this on a budget of nothing... so it will all have to be repurposed or thrift shop finds...

i'm trying to find out WHO i am... i thought i was one thing... but it seems that i morph into something else... i do this alot... i'm constantly changing who i am and what i want to be... and what i do... does that mean i don't truly know who i am??? ... or am i just one of those people who change with their mood and whim....

ten things i know to be true...

1) i love making lists

2) chai tea is one of my favorite things

3) although i love tv with a passion... i think my life was better without it

4) i am a romantic

5) God is the most important thing in my life

6) black looks best on me

7) i'm growing neater with my old age

8) blonde hair is not meant for me

9) i can go weeks without shaving my legs

10) i'm one of the most random people i know

tomorrow is thanksgiving... and i have a lot to be thankful for... even with the trials and pain of the last few months... even through the tears... i am thankful for my husband... i am thankful for this life... i am thankful

i don't know why i can't sleep...

it's 11:30 at night and i've yet to sleep... i have so much work to do... and i haven't accomplished as much today as i wanted to... i made the rag doll i've been comissioned to do and then i decided to redo it cause i wasn't completely pleased...

i struggle with the part of my life that i will put on here... but being the open book that i am... i will just go ahead and lay it all out here for you... for arts sake... you should know the creator...

the last few days i've found that i am enjoying living alone... not the being alone... but the freedom i have to create... the creativity flows constantly... in and out of my body like water... its like i'm in a frenzy to create all that i can before my life gets put back together... i want it to be put back together and yet i want to hold on to some of this new Jen that i've found... this new me that really is the old me that somehow got lost in the chores of being the model wife...
the model wife that i failed at being...

not to be meloncholy or... too much... but it is part of my process right now i think...

and to me... process is most of the journey of making art

on a completely different note... here is a list of things i like

1. looking for shooting stars
2. the smell of fresh hay
3. a big pile of blankets on my bed
4. black kitties
5. really cold cake... with really cold milk
6. how my hands look after i've been painting
7. country looking cottages
8. warming myself by the wood burning stove
9. cemetaries... old ones
10. my husbands laugh...

this is the begining of a new chapter in my life... well maybe not the very begining... but pretty darn close anyway... i make it my pledge... to myself... not to my readers to try and blog everyday... i thought i would start with a list of things i'm going to try to accomplish today...

Today

i woke up late to the sun streaming in on my face

i took the trash out

i found that ophelia had excaped during the wee morning hours through

the open window... and was meowing to be let in

i photographed some new pieces for http://www.opheliamcphee.etsy.com/

i cleaned up bits of felt and thread from the living room floor

i ate some left over mac and cheese

i emailed... played the feature seller game... and otherwise did

internetty things

i made a felt taco

more internetty things

i will take a shower

i will take a client to walmart

i will buy fabric for a rag doll commission

i will go to dinner with Carmen

i will make five pieces of bacon

i will watch heros

i will go to bed early

its good to make goals for the day...