i've just spent that last two hours in my room crying... praying... and otherwise examing myself... i got up once to come take pictures of my bloated swollen eyes... a record of what i look like when my heart is torn...
nothing different has brought me to this place of tears... things are pretty much the same... if not better... and yet i feel like i have growing pains... i'm tearing away at what i thought i knew about myself and as each layer falls away... it hurts with an intensity that i didn't expect...
i dreamed lastnight of etsy... of creating alice in wonderland plush dolls... and i half wonder if i was dreaming or if the creativity was just in a suspended state of animation... if only i had written these things down...
i'm overwhelmed right now with the intake of information that i'm getting about myself... not from other people but simply from myself... it hurts so badly to not know who i am at this age... and to know that i am not sure if i've ever had the balls to say what i really want in life... to know what i really want in life for fear that i won't recieve it... so here we go... another blessed list... and this time i am serious... completely and utterly fearful in writing these ten things... for fear that they will never be seen in the natural...
1) a husband who loves me and cherishes me... and brags on me
2) a daughter... i want a daughter so bad i feel like i'm mourning for a child i never knew
3) an old house to live in... a cottage... electic... where my art will fit in
4) a relationship so close to God that i don't have to wonder if it was His voice i was hearing...
5) a homebased business of my art... one that i can have freedom in
6) family where simmy's side... and my side get together for holidays... all of us... as one big family
7) i want enough money that i can give to people who are in my situation right now...
8) a clear understanding of WHO i am... what i like... what i don't like... and why i am this wa
9) i want wisdom and discernment in all things
10) i want everything that has been taken from me... emotionally... physically... spiritually... restored to me ten fold....
these are things i know i want in life... these are the things that no matter what i do... the desire for them keep coming back up time and time again...
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